Monday, May 2, 2011

Local Wingnut Sets Her Sights on Prince Harry

Inspired by the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton earlier this week, Reptilian Shapeshifter enthusiast Audrey Locker is attempting to marry into the British monarchy. "I have a bad habit of falling for emotionally unavailable wingnuts, and quite frankly, I'm fed up. So I've made the decision to cut out the middleman: instead of getting with people that are obsessed with conspiracy theories, I want to become part of the conspiracy itself."

She is intent upon betrothal to Prince Harry of Wales, though as of yet he has no knowledge of her existence. "I have a thing for gingers," confesses Audrey. "And he's in the House of Windsor, which I hear is a really cool collective house." Audrey, who identifies as an anarchist, doesn't seem too troubled by the fact that Harry is a monarch: "Ok, so admittedly he has to work a bit on his class privilege. And he's also in the military... yeah, I know that I shouldn't get into a relationship with the intention of changing someone, but he's really cute. And reptilian."

Audrey is currently asking for donations for her trip to London to meet the Prince, where she hopes they will do more than just drink tea. Anyone who donates more than $500 dollars will get a spot in the elite vanguard of the New New World Order, which Audrey aims to establish after she overthrows the Babylonian Brotherhood that currently controls the planet. "My master plan is to marry Prince Harry and on our wedding night, after consummating our marriage on each of Jupiter's moons, I will kill him. I will then eat his innards to gain his level 32 spiritual potency, and fashion his flesh into a suit I will wear to impersonate him." Using this disguise, she will infiltrate the Brotherhood and bring about the rev. We here at the Wingnut are rooting for her, and we certainly look forward to the dance parties that will accompany the fall of civilization.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

New Zodiac Sign Declared, Lake Worth Scorpios Revolt, Secede from Universe

The seething lair of scorpions that is Lake Worth has been in an outrage since it was announced earlier this year that a thirteenth zodiac sign will be added into the 3,000 year old astrological pantheon. The addition of Ophiucus, the serpent-bearer, will cause a major upheaval amongst the other signs, and will effectively displace Scorpio, leaving it with a mere pittance of 6 days a year to reign over, down from its original 30. Not only will Ophiucus greatly shorten Scorpio's rulership, it will ruthlessly force all current Scorpios to be either Virgos or Libras.

The Scorpios of Lake Worth, as per usual, are pissed. In a statement released today, Scorpios Against Change (SAC) decried the Establishment's attempts to try to, like, make them conform or whatever, man. "We Scorpios are proud of our reputation as over-sexed, vindictive control freaks," said SAC spokesperson Christian Minaya. "When we live in a world where we are forced to choose between being who we rightfully are and being boring Libras and Virgos, that makes me a sad SAC."

In a bold move, SAC, in conjunction with other unaffiliated Scorpios residing in Lake Worth, declared that they will be seceding from the known Universe starting around 7p on Monday evening. "We were gonna do it about a week sooner, but we all really wanted to go shopping in the new downtown Publix first," said Cara Jennings, former Lake Worth City Commissioner and Vice-Chancellor of the Confederated Scorpion Sisterhood of the Lower Hadean Realms. The Scorpios are not actually planning to move anywhere, but they will refuse to pay income tax and will cease updating their facebook statuses, though they may tweet in case of emergencies.

In a related story, the Lake Worth chapter of the Order of Reptilian Shit-Slurpers has also taken a stance against Ophiucus, whom they feel is a symbol of oppression against reptiloid-type creatures. "Of course I would never use your inferior Earth-based astrology for my daily horoscopes, but I am still offended by this new zodiac sign," chortled notorious tantric shit-slurping expert, Mary Lindsey. "We Reptilians will not easily be usurped. You putrid mammals will get your comeuppance in 2012. Just you wait and see..." When asked to elaborate on what the Reptilians have in store for next year, Lindsey just flared out her dewlap and murmured something about mandatory spray-on tans.

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