Crime Beat Alert: Richard Gere Type Creature Used As Blunt Instrument In Bar Fight At Brogues

LAST NIGHT:
the regular neckless hooligan frat bro-stink exuded from Brogue's Irish Pub in downtown Lake Worth was particularly acute. It wafted through the streets with a severity unmatched in recent weeks. As is the case most nights, a bar fight broke out between the preposterone induced rage of the Reptilian Dewlap Posse on one side and the quick menacing knives of the Shriners on the other. Somewhere in the midst of the brawl one of the Shriner's pulled out a small Richard Gere type creature from his stomach crevasse and beat a random passerby with it.

Mary Lindsey and Scott Maxwell broke into a local children's hospital to, in the words of Lindsey, "heckle the young and the innocent ones." Maxwell and Lindsey were arrested then released without charges.

a local anarchist threw a brick through her own home window in response to a purchase of Starbucks coffee she had made earlier in the day. The young woman was arrested and charged with conspiracy to overthrow one's own place within the system, domestic terrorism, and resisting arrest without violence. If found guilty she faces up to fifty years in federal prison.

Car Ignites, Flips, Crashes Into Local Wingnut Headquarters: Cointelpro, Cointelamatuer, or CointelprObama? You Decide!

Earlier yesterday morning a car crashed into the front offices of the Night Heron Grassroots Activist Center. It is apparent that it was a botched attempt by Cointelpro to disrupt and dishearten the wing nuts within. Fortunately, no one with a beard was injured.

A secret training video uncovered in a Cointelpro front office shows how the government trains for operations to disrupt activists by crashing cars into their headquarters. Click here to see the video.

Left Wing Eco-Wingnuts Sexy Up Their Garden For Coming Collapse of Civilization

Left Wing Eco-Wingnuts Stevie Lowe, Russell McSpadden, Ana Rodriguez, and Syd Sap, have begun preparations for what Rodriguez has called "the imminent collapse of civilization, fondue parties, and flushing toilets." They have installed an outhouse, planted rows of tropical spinach, and put on sexy clothes as a reminder that the collapse can be beautiful too.

According to Syd, the promise of a knew tomorrow on the ashes of the present system of capitalist consumption and domination can only mean one thing: "Gawa. Is it? Mas pwease!"

Stevie Lowe, a renowned eco-wingnut, looks forward to long walks in the bright orange-gray glow of the setting sun as the world economy, corporate agriculture, and industrial mass production feast on their own internal organs displaying for all to see the contradictions and violence inherent in the system. "I just hope someone fucking notices. Thats all I've got to say."

Centrist Wing of the Coalition of Lake Worth Wingnuts (CWLWW) Flee Rising Tides of Florida For North Carolina, Get Cold, Return

In Their Own Words

Misty-Anne Feather:
"Goddammit, I was sitting right there in the Little Owl Bar when I over heard Al Gore, drunk as hell mind you, telling a damned alien that the tide was gonna rise over night and swallow Lake Worth. So I went to the compound behind the McMow Art Glass Design Studio, and told the crew we was needing to leave immediately and they was all like 'Rock and Roll motherf*cker', and we loaded the van with guns and beer and we headed to North Carolina. But once we got there is was cold goddammit so we just decided to come on back. I guess the water came through and then subsided. Sh*t"

Harry Garcia
"Misty-Anne was drunk as hell and talking to this Shriner at the bar. The Shriner told Misty, 'hey Misty, 2012 is happening a little earlier than expected, as in tonight if you get my drift. You better head to the Colorado mountains real fast with your posse. We will need wingnuts around after the reckoning.' Well, those damn shriners know what they are talking about and so we left immediatly, all of us, D-Dog, Papa Biscuit, myself, Misty, Jim, Earl, Dagnabit, and our pets and our guns. But we got lost and then D-Dog was like 'f*ck it, lets just go to North Carolina and drink some beers up in them mountains."

Pappa Biscuit
"I don't even think we actually left. I think we were all just like, 'yeah, awesome, lets get outta here after another beer,' and then I don't know, I guess we just stayed."

Space Tacos All The Rave, But What's Inside

They say you can tell the worth of a pre-pubescent reptilian drool sniffer by the amount of space tacos he can eat before birthing a Richard Gear type creature from his forehead anus, but are these crispy intergalactic ethnic sandwiches really just a delicious snack? What lurks behind the pico de gallo, under the carne asada and within the luscious lengua? Perhaps the Cheney/Obama super spore is attempting to enter the bowels of every wingnut through these tacos. It is too early to tell, wingnut scientist are currently poking sticks at a test tacos. Stay tuned for updates.

The Lake Worth Wing Nut promises to find out. But for now, just keep on eating them!

Palm Beach Post's "Gala of Shit Slurping Reptilian Birth Spectacles" Held in Honor of Lou Dobbs, Scott Maxwell, and Rene Varela

Today, Wingnut correspondent Thomas Kindershiza exposed an effort by Lake Worth Commissioner Scott Maxwell and Post Editors Tim Burke and Randy Schultz to replace the spineless liberals of the Post with what they call "hearty, honest, reptile birthing journalists" such as the CNN's former reptilian star Lou Dobbs and Stormfront's Don Black, who is proud to offer the Post a new, white and reptilian 'worldwide' audience. Said Don Black, "we are the master race from outter-space." The Palm Beach Post, which has over three-quarters-of-a-million daily readers in print and online each week, is also the mouth piece of the International Coalition of Bankers, Nazis, and Turd Stompers. Really.

This sudden shift in staff came upon urgent need to secure the Mayoral race for Rene Varela, who is known to come from a long line of Caribbean reptilian shape-shifting alien truck-nutz parasites. His father has donated countless flesh masks to illuminati servants in Tallahassee in hopes that his son will be welcomed with open arms upon eventual arrival. "I know Valactar will pull back my tongue and regurgitate his weeks kill directly down my throat once I win. That's what electoral politics is all about," said Varela at a press conference outside of Lake Worth City Hall last thursday.

Scott Maxwell was seen recently with Burke, Schultz, Dobbs, Varela and the whole white Black family at Nature's Way Cafe, the prefered dining choice of Nazi/Alien overlords. "Try the free-range turkey," Schultz said, noting that world domination by racist Nazi Reptiles would be fed upon the contradictions of ethical meat harvesting. The five individuals were noticed entering an underground bunker built by Henry Ford in 1933, located beneath the thriving cafe, which also has an entrance directly below the music stage of the Havana Hideout. Varela impressed his new media supporters by displaying the ability to shape-shift effortlessly between Retha Lowe and Jeff Clemens. He then detached his false mammalian testicles and ate them stating, "reptiles house their gonads within the body. That is why we are superior."

According to Kindershiza, "if Varela succeeds in making this stride towards the local New World Order, there is a plan underway to celebrate this victory of 'the enlightened' by secretly re-opening Bryant Park's popular FEMA death camp."

The camp was put out of business last month by unethical phone calls from Lake Worth's notorious violent gang of anarchist politicians.

17 Dolphins, 3 Humanoids Die in Riot Following Results of Lake Worth Election

Lake Worth wingnuts will have to wait a little longer before knowing who their next mayor/reptilian herdmaster is. None of the candidates could muster the mojo to fluff their reptilian dewlaps full enough to win the 50 percent majority necessary to carry the day.



There will be a run-off election for the two leading candidates, Rene Varela who received 39 percent of the votes and Laurence McNamara who recieved 26 percent. Rene Varela, a democrat, dolphin skinner, and shit slurping lizard is expected to win. His good looks, lying charm, and connection with demonic forces make him the trend setter. Robert McNamara, the more seasoned candidate, has recently denounced his allegiance to the reptilian overlords for an alliance with the centrist wing of the lake worth wingnut coalition. His campaign to "take a shriner by the ankles like a candalabra and bash the heads of the quadrangle of beyond-sense bankers and imperialist yoga instructors" (QBBIYI) has won him points with the social democrats, yacht captains, and voting anarchists in town.

Though the Wingnut had officially endorsed Javier Del Sol, himself a wingnut's wingnut, we are moving that endorsement to McNamara.

In the commissioner race for District 1, Scott Maxwell, the openly racist but secretly liberal candidate know for his radio show, "Connecting the Dots on Immigration," ate his opponent Ron Exline just before the polls closed at 7pm. "I didn't even know I was running for commissioner," said Exline just moments before being eaten. Maxwell blamed undocumented immigrants for the indigestion that followed. "They come here and they want to take away the rights and wealth of decent lizard folk. They don't have dewlaps, their skin doesn't change to reflect their surroundings, and their tongues are not even forked. God damnit this is America. Long live Mary Golacthar Lindsey and the Five Stages of White Middle Class Appropriation of Eastern Mysticism."

In the race for District 2, Jo-Ann Golden defeated opponent Wes Blackman. Upon learning of her landslide victory, Jo-Ann burned down Lake Worth City Hall. When asked why, the commissioner simply stated, "fuck the disempowering nature of representation, hierarchy and the bourgeois hobby of electoral politics."

Sometime around 10 pm, a truck load of 17 dolphins was delivered to the after-election party of Rene Varela. "They were dumped into the swimming pool at our house. Rene was so excited, he pulled out a bucket of fish and had the dolphins do tricks, you know, back flips and funny noises and shit," said his wife, "and then, in honor of his victory, Rene ritually slaughtered each one with his bare hands. It took him several minutes to kill just one. He doesn't have much upper body strength and so he was clawing a biting and pinching them with little effect. I keep telling him to use the bowflex in our den."

On the other side of town, brave wingnuts and radical supporters of mayoral candidate Javier Del Sol engaged in a pitched battle with reptilian shit slurping police officers. Though they held their ground for several hours, three wingnuts, Audrey Locker, Christian Minaya, and Echo, were killed by jellied gas dropped by the Palm Beach County Sheriff's anti-wingnut interceptor-copter. They will be remembered.

My Hidden Camera Discovery #38: Lords of the Quadrangle Invade My Home, Molest My Radio

When I came home last night I decided to check my surveillance tapes before going to bed. Oh, the horror I felt dear friends when I witnessed the defilement of my living space by the vile and insidious Lords of the Quadrangle. I have not slept dear friends of the Wingnut for fear that they may return. Fortunately, a crew of wingnuts, upon hearing the news, have took up a 24 hour rotating watch in my front yard. Those with strong nerves may watch the surveillance video here. It is terrifying.

Wikipedia Tells All! Lake Worth Wingnuts, Our Time Approaches

Click the image above.

Do Not Click On The Wingnut Insurgent Phraseological Haiku Poem Below...Do Not Do It!

Wingnut Guerilla Fighters Against The Reptilian Overlords
When Will They Win When Will They Eat Lizard For Breakfast
When Will They Return To Their Loved Ones And Their Homes
I Hear Them Reply: Tonight Tonight Tonight O O O Tonight