New Zodiac Sign Declared, Lake Worth Scorpios Revolt, Secede from Universe

The seething lair of scorpions that is Lake Worth has been in an outrage since it was announced earlier this year that a thirteenth zodiac sign will be added into the 3,000 year old astrological pantheon. The addition of Ophiucus, the serpent-bearer, will cause a major upheaval amongst the other signs, and will effectively displace Scorpio, leaving it with a mere pittance of 6 days a year to reign over, down from its original 30. Not only will Ophiucus greatly shorten Scorpio's rulership, it will ruthlessly force all current Scorpios to be either Virgos or Libras.

The Scorpios of Lake Worth, as per usual, are pissed. In a statement released today, Scorpios Against Change (SAC) decried the Establishment's attempts to try to, like, make them conform or whatever, man. "We Scorpios are proud of our reputation as over-sexed, vindictive control freaks," said SAC spokesperson Christian Minaya. "When we live in a world where we are forced to choose between being who we rightfully are and being boring Libras and Virgos, that makes me a sad SAC."

In a bold move, SAC, in conjunction with other unaffiliated Scorpios residing in Lake Worth, declared that they will be seceding from the known Universe starting around 7p on Monday evening. "We were gonna do it about a week sooner, but we all really wanted to go shopping in the new downtown Publix first," said Cara Jennings, former Lake Worth City Commissioner and Vice-Chancellor of the Confederated Scorpion Sisterhood of the Lower Hadean Realms. The Scorpios are not actually planning to move anywhere, but they will refuse to pay income tax and will cease updating their facebook statuses, though they may tweet in case of emergencies.

In a related story, the Lake Worth chapter of the Order of Reptilian Shit-Slurpers has also taken a stance against Ophiucus, whom they feel is a symbol of oppression against reptiloid-type creatures. "Of course I would never use your inferior Earth-based astrology for my daily horoscopes, but I am still offended by this new zodiac sign," chortled notorious tantric shit-slurping expert, Mary Lindsey. "We Reptilians will not easily be usurped. You putrid mammals will get your comeuppance in 2012. Just you wait and see..." When asked to elaborate on what the Reptilians have in store for next year, Lindsey just flared out her dewlap and murmured something about mandatory spray-on tans.