Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Left Wing Eco-Wingnuts Sexy Up Their Garden For Coming Collapse of Civilization



Left Wing Eco-Wingnuts Stevie Lowe, Russell McSpadden, Ana Rodriguez, and Syd Sap, have begun preparations for what Rodriguez has called "the imminent collapse of civilization, fondue parties, and flushing toilets." They have installed an outhouse, planted rows of tropical spinach, and put on sexy clothes as a reminder that the collapse can be beautiful too.

According to Syd, the promise of a knew tomorrow on the ashes of the present system of capitalist consumption and domination can only mean one thing: "Gawa. Is it? Mas pwease!"

Stevie Lowe, a renowned eco-wingnut, looks forward to long walks in the bright orange-gray glow of the setting sun as the world economy, corporate agriculture, and industrial mass production feast on their own internal organs displaying for all to see the contradictions and violence inherent in the system. "I just hope someone fucking notices. Thats all I've got to say."

Thursday, December 17, 2009

3rd Annual Lake Worth Wingnut Convention: Special Gests, Val Kilmer and Marc Silverstein,




The 3rd Annual Lake Worth Wingnut Convention will be held at the New Hampton Inn. Advance registration is required.

This years convention promises to be the best ever. Val Kilmer back from the front lines of Gogut with the 5th battalion of interplanetary wingnuts, will host a special two hour round table discussion titled, "How we gonna get them lizards good."

Admiral Marc Silverstein will be taking a break from the 2012 presidential campaign trail to speak on the appropriation of Mayan cosmology by the white middle class. He will also be speaking on the divine principles of boiled peanuts and deep fried peanuts in combating the crypto-turd burglers and the beyond-sense bandits.

For Tickets and Room Reservations Please Contact The New Hampton Inn @
8205 Lake Worth Road
Lake Worth, FL‎ -
561) 472-5980‎

Lets Make This Years Wingnut Convention The Best Ever

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Local Wingnut Hemi-Prophet Weds Astro-Dryad Battle Mistress in an Anti-Numeroligical Ceremony



On Friday, December 4th, Solarian Anti-Pope Greg Block and Cheryl Checkers the Ostensible were wed in a ceremony attended by family, friends, wingnuts, and kilt-clad moon sirens.
The happy debt-free couple took their vows over the deafening screech of the ritual slaughter of 1000 juvenile Illuminati sun beasts.

An excerpt from their exchange at the altar follows:

Greg: "Cheryl, I promise to always stand by your side no matter how many pupal Jupiterian worm-cats attack our steel-reinforced underground bunker, no matter how often I have to oil and clean your AK-47s, no matter how long I have to wait while we take turns lighting Shriners on fire."
Cheryl: "I vow never to leave your side, to forsake all other dewlaps no matter how leathery, to help maintain and upgrade your exact working replica of the car 'The General Lee' from Dukes of Hazzard that secretly has a machine gun in the engine."
Saturnian Angel-Demon Minister: "Do you both vow to honor and commit to each other even unto facilitating each other's suicide in the event of your terrifying yet inevitable capture by either the Reptilian Pool Boys of Cleveland or the Iron Unfeelers?"
Both: I do.

Afterward, guests mingled and chatted about how drunk they're gonna be on 2012 while photographers did a poor job of capturing the magic of the moment.
In honor of those wingnuts who have fallen in battle with our ever-vigilant foe, no cake was served and no one was permitted to smile for the entire day.
The newlyweds reportedly honeymooned in Detroit and spent their time torching abandoned houses.

Centrist Wing of the Coalition of Lake Worth Wingnuts (CWLWW) Flee Rising Tides of Florida For North Carolina, Get Cold, Return



In Their Own Words

Misty-Anne Feather:
"Goddammit, I was sitting right there in the Little Owl Bar when I over heard Al Gore, drunk as hell mind you, telling a damned alien that the tide was gonna rise over night and swallow Lake Worth. So I went to the compound behind the McMow Art Glass Design Studio, and told the crew we was needing to leave immediately and they was all like 'Rock and Roll motherf*cker', and we loaded the van with guns and beer and we headed to North Carolina. But once we got there is was cold goddammit so we just decided to come on back. I guess the water came through and then subsided. Sh*t"

Harry Garcia
"Misty-Anne was drunk as hell and talking to this Shriner at the bar. The Shriner told Misty, 'hey Misty, 2012 is happening a little earlier than expected, as in tonight if you get my drift. You better head to the Colorado mountains real fast with your posse. We will need wingnuts around after the reckoning.' Well, those damn shriners know what they are talking about and so we left immediatly, all of us, D-Dog, Papa Biscuit, myself, Misty, Jim, Earl, Dagnabit, and our pets and our guns. But we got lost and then D-Dog was like 'f*ck it, lets just go to North Carolina and drink some beers up in them mountains."

Pappa Biscuit
"I don't even think we actually left. I think we were all just like, 'yeah, awesome, lets get outta here after another beer,' and then I don't know, I guess we just stayed."

Monday, December 7, 2009

Alert: Wingnut Prison Break



If you are a reptilian shape shifter, a shriner, or one of the followers of the Illuminate Underground that hangs out at Harry's Banana Farm, you had better lock your doors and load your plasma guns. Noah Wilson, one of the fiercest and wingiest of wingnuts escaped from a Belle Glade correctional facility tonight. Noah is personally responsible for the death of several hundred Jupiterian shit slurpers during a blood crazed rampage back in July of this year. "I make shit slurpees outta lizard people. I'm not ashamed. I've got a black belt. I once gave an Indian Burn to Galactar 5000," said Noah Wilson following conviction. "I don't regret what I done. I'd do it again. I won't rest till the Hillary Clinton and Bon Jovi are defeated.

EDIT: We've received this exclusive photo of Mr. Wilson punching through the prison wall.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Gary Dario of Natures Way Births Alien, Sells it on Ebay



Three weeks after insemination, Gary Dario birthed a 73.8 pound baby alien in the portico to his restaurant, Natures Way Cafe. "I love this alien. I was even thinking of eating it, when its mother, Mary Lindsey mentioned that I could sell it on Ebay. She said I had been a wonderful host body but should pass the child on through means of the free market. And seeing that the food at my cafe sucks, I mean the turkey is rancid, and I can't pass a health inspection, I thought it was a great idea. So I put my only child, Golactong, up for auction. I made five grand.

Space Tacos All The Rave, But What's Inside




They say you can tell the worth of a pre-pubescent reptilian drool sniffer by the amount of space tacos he can eat before birthing a Richard Gear type creature from his forehead anus, but are these crispy intergalactic ethnic sandwiches really just a delicious snack? What lurks behind the pico de gallo, under the carne asada and within the luscious lengua? Perhaps the Cheney/Obama super spore is attempting to enter the bowels of every wingnut through these tacos. It is too early to tell, wingnut scientist are currently poking sticks at a test tacos. Stay tuned for updates.

The Lake Worth Wing Nut promises to find out. But for now, just keep on eating them!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Palm Beach Post's "Gala of Shit Slurping Reptilian Birth Spectacles" Held in Honor of Lou Dobbs, Scott Maxwell, and Rene Varela




Today, Wingnut correspondent Thomas Kindershiza exposed an effort by Lake Worth Commissioner Scott Maxwell and Post Editors Tim Burke and Randy Schultz to replace the spineless liberals of the Post with what they call "hearty, honest, reptile birthing journalists" such as the CNN's former reptilian star Lou Dobbs and Stormfront's Don Black, who is proud to offer the Post a new, white and reptilian 'worldwide' audience. Said Don Black, "we are the master race from outter-space." The Palm Beach Post, which has over three-quarters-of-a-million daily readers in print and online each week, is also the mouth piece of the International Coalition of Bankers, Nazis, and Turd Stompers. Really.

This sudden shift in staff came upon urgent need to secure the Mayoral race for Rene Varela, who is known to come from a long line of Caribbean reptilian shape-shifting alien truck-nutz parasites. His father has donated countless flesh masks to illuminati servants in Tallahassee in hopes that his son will be welcomed with open arms upon eventual arrival. "I know Valactar will pull back my tongue and regurgitate his weeks kill directly down my throat once I win. That's what electoral politics is all about," said Varela at a press conference outside of Lake Worth City Hall last thursday.

Scott Maxwell was seen recently with Burke, Schultz, Dobbs, Varela and the whole white Black family at Nature's Way Cafe, the prefered dining choice of Nazi/Alien overlords. "Try the free-range turkey," Schultz said, noting that world domination by racist Nazi Reptiles would be fed upon the contradictions of ethical meat harvesting. The five individuals were noticed entering an underground bunker built by Henry Ford in 1933, located beneath the thriving cafe, which also has an entrance directly below the music stage of the Havana Hideout. Varela impressed his new media supporters by displaying the ability to shape-shift effortlessly between Retha Lowe and Jeff Clemens. He then detached his false mammalian testicles and ate them stating, "reptiles house their gonads within the body. That is why we are superior."

According to Kindershiza, "if Varela succeeds in making this stride towards the local New World Order, there is a plan underway to celebrate this victory of 'the enlightened' by secretly re-opening Bryant Park's popular FEMA death camp."

The camp was put out of business last month by unethical phone calls from Lake Worth's notorious violent gang of anarchist politicians.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Scott Maxwell Thanks Supporters, Mein Furor for Inspiration to Lead: Pro-Bacteria Wingnuts Riseup in Protest


By Hazeldorth Pooperstench

The swearing in and ritual bloodletting of Scott Maxwell and his intestinal reptilian brood for Lake Worth District I Overlord was disrupted Tuesday afternoon when local wingnut-patriot Ana Rodriguez rappeled down the side of city hall and assaulted Maxwell, ripping the face off his fleshsuit, revealing the slightly more hideous reptilian visage beneath.
Rodriguez was detained by the Palm Beach County Sheriff's office, but escaped from custody when her arresting officers abandoned their vehicle to pursue an ice cream cart.

She is believed to have fled, with the help of escaped trained dolphins and Assata Shakur, to Cuba, although police investigators say they have not ruled out the catacombs beneath the Soma Center, known in certain circles as the Anus of the Raw Elite, as a possible hideout.
The swearing in resumed after mayoral hopeful Rene Varela furnished Maxwell with a replacement fleshmask.

 "I always keep a spare in my back pocket," he explained.  "This sort of thing happens to me all the time."
The ritual resumed but was again disrupted when a colony of bio-luminescent cyano-bacteria from the Microbial Anti-Defamation League colonized the wall of city hall, spelling out "A city without bacteria is a city without culture" 
"Maxwell's comments indicate not only that he is a white supremacist, but a multi-cell supremacist as well." said a spokesbacillus of the Anti-Defamation League.  "He has ties to the anti-microbial hate group Johnson & Johnson, whose products he keeps in his bathroom." 
Despite all the delays, Maxwell is now the newest member of the Lake Worth City Commission.

To consummate his oath of office he drank the  blood of an ACLU lawyer and delivered this stirring message of hope for Lake Worth:  "Expedited Naturalization for Jupitarian Illegal aliens; everyone else learn English or get the God Damn out of the USA! God bless the USA, God Damn it!" For clarification, he then sucked the entrails of everyone in the crowd he believed to be un-American, namely  Jews, Communists, Gypsies, the disabled, elderly, people of color, homosexuals, and anyone in a t-shirt reading, 'Live Simply so that others may simply Live,' reducing Lake Worth's total population to 17 beings.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

17 Dolphins, 3 Humanoids Die in Riot Following Results of Lake Worth Election


Lake Worth wingnuts will have to wait a little longer before knowing who their next mayor/reptilian herdmaster is. None of the candidates could muster the mojo to fluff their reptilian dewlaps full enough to win the 50 percent majority necessary to carry the day.



There will be a run-off election for the two leading candidates, Rene Varela who received 39 percent of the votes and Laurence McNamara who recieved 26 percent. Rene Varela, a democrat, dolphin skinner, and shit slurping lizard is expected to win. His good looks, lying charm, and connection with demonic forces make him the trend setter. Robert McNamara, the more seasoned candidate, has recently denounced his allegiance to the reptilian overlords for an alliance with the centrist wing of the lake worth wingnut coalition. His campaign to "take a shriner by the ankles like a candalabra and bash the heads of the quadrangle of beyond-sense bankers and imperialist yoga instructors" (QBBIYI) has won him points with the social democrats, yacht captains, and voting anarchists in town.

Though the Wingnut had officially endorsed Javier Del Sol, himself a wingnut's wingnut, we are moving that endorsement to McNamara.

In the commissioner race for District 1, Scott Maxwell, the openly racist but secretly liberal candidate know for his radio show, "Connecting the Dots on Immigration," ate his opponent Ron Exline just before the polls closed at 7pm. "I didn't even know I was running for commissioner," said Exline just moments before being eaten. Maxwell blamed undocumented immigrants for the indigestion that followed. "They come here and they want to take away the rights and wealth of decent lizard folk. They don't have dewlaps, their skin doesn't change to reflect their surroundings, and their tongues are not even forked. God damnit this is America. Long live Mary Golacthar Lindsey and the Five Stages of White Middle Class Appropriation of Eastern Mysticism."

In the race for District 2, Jo-Ann Golden defeated opponent Wes Blackman. Upon learning of her landslide victory, Jo-Ann burned down Lake Worth City Hall. When asked why, the commissioner simply stated, "fuck the disempowering nature of representation, hierarchy and the bourgeois hobby of electoral politics."

Sometime around 10 pm, a truck load of 17 dolphins was delivered to the after-election party of Rene Varela. "They were dumped into the swimming pool at our house. Rene was so excited, he pulled out a bucket of fish and had the dolphins do tricks, you know, back flips and funny noises and shit," said his wife, "and then, in honor of his victory, Rene ritually slaughtered each one with his bare hands. It took him several minutes to kill just one. He doesn't have much upper body strength and so he was clawing a biting and pinching them with little effect. I keep telling him to use the bowflex in our den."

On the other side of town, brave wingnuts and radical supporters of mayoral candidate Javier Del Sol engaged in a pitched battle with reptilian shit slurping police officers. Though they held their ground for several hours, three wingnuts, Audrey Locker, Christian Minaya, and Echo, were killed by jellied gas dropped by the Palm Beach County Sheriff's anti-wingnut interceptor-copter. They will be remembered.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Leading Reptilian Pansporians Shed Fiction Suits, Mumble Jewish Songs


At a recent Palm Beach County Shabbat dinner attended by a record-breaking amount of wingnuts, Extra-Solar Anti-Masons Harriet Himmel and Carol Roberts disgusted fellow diners and devotees by revealing their true xenic nature.
"I was mortified and scandalized" said Brett X, who had the misfortune of sitting near the cold-blooded manipulators of fate. "I first knew something was amiss when the creature called Roberts extended scaly mandibles from just beneath her hairline and regurgitated digestive fluid onto the hala, licking up the resulting stew with twin trifurcated tongues while caressing my wrist with her slimy prehensile tail."
Carol Roberts, most well known for personally evicting and devouring millions of people to facilitate the Three Gorges Dam, has long been suspected of having a three-chambered heart. However, local Wingnuts where nonetheless shocked when the being cracked open its carapace to slather hummus directly onto throbbing internal organs while delighting the table with tales of Yom Kippur in China.
Brett continued, "Then the Himmel-Being proceeded to explain how she orchestrated the building of social hub City Place to disrupt the 112th Semi-Flaccid Dragon Power Line that runs through South Florida."
Reportedly, after recycling the Harriet Himmel metapersona and facing all those attending as the writhing, blinding truth of horrors that she was, the Neptunian Ultra-Duchess said "It's an honor to be in the Rabbi's home tonight with so many wonderful young people. I hope that the coming cull finds all of you in your sleep so that you may be spared the hellish rending of your souls as they are liquefied and used to nourish my hibernating psychic brood-spawn."

Monday, July 27, 2009

Uncovered Sex Tape Reveals Martin County Judge Stewart R. Hershey Giving a "Dirty Elvis" To Reptilian Swingers



A sex tape uncovered in Michael Jackson's personal belongs starring the right honorable Judge Stewart R. Hershey of the Nineteenth Judicial Court of Florida in Martin County Florida has been the most downloaded video of the week. The Illuminati, under the guise of the Federal Bureau of Investigations has since effectively blacked out all websites with links to the film. Fortunately, everyone at the Wingnut has seen the film at least twice and can describe the Judge's scenes with great accuracy.

According to staff writer Phebor Timtom, "the opening scene on the tape is of a party of reptilian shape shifters cavorting, dew-lapping, changing skin shades, and praising Obama's health care plan. Then something happens off screen and all the lizards start dewlapping like crazy and that's when Judge Hershey steps in scene in an Elvis suit. I didn't think the judge had it in him but he just starts giving all these lizards a "dirty elvis". I mean, this Judge Hershey is a real pro."

Senior Editor Jolene Crobstob was less impressed with the Judges actions. "The entire time the Judge is being used by the lizard people he just keeps singing "hound dog" by Elvis. The whole scenario is demeaning to human life on this planet. Judge Hershey should be ashamed.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Scottish Rite Masonic Temple: Den of Sin or Handjob Wholesalers?


Well it's Summer Solstice again, and you know what that means... that's right! The Scottish Rite Masonic Temple, located right here in sunny Lake Worth, is having their annual BBQ/ Ritual Human and Cute Animal Sacrifice on Saturday, June 20 at 10:47 pm. Don't miss it as these middle-aged mutant mason reptiles ritually slaughter and roast dozens of schoolchildren, anarchists, and nesting sea turtles. You'll want to be there as they bathe in the blood of the innocent (and there will be a Slip and Slide)! Proceeds from the event will be donated to the Red Cross. Also this year, there will be a baby-eating contest; first prize wins a date with Tom Hanks to Flanigan's. And for all those 2012 enthusiasts out there, the summer solstice marks exactly 3 1/2 years till the apocalypse! So get all your sinning in now while you still can and stay for the dessert and orgy to follow the dinner.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Wingnut Goes to the Big Screen to Fight Against the Green Things

"We've come a long way, but we have got to get going like the tuff do when the going gets going tuff and things are really difficult and we fight anyways."

--Director Phil "Hambone" Merrimac--

video

read reviews of the film here

see interviews with Director Phil Merrimac at the films opening night in Cannes here

Friday, June 19, 2009

My Hidden Camera Discovery #38: Lords of the Quadrangle Invade My Home, Molest My Radio

When I came home last night I decided to check my surveillance tapes before going to bed. Oh, the horror I felt dear friends when I witnessed the defilement of my living space by the vile and insidious Lords of the Quadrangle. I have not slept dear friends of the Wingnut for fear that they may return. Fortunately, a crew of wingnuts, upon hearing the news, have took up a 24 hour rotating watch in my front yard. Those with strong nerves may watch the surveillance video here. It is terrifying.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

NRA: Quizlings



The US citizen's healthy preoccupation with firearms has a dark side: Private citizens are outfitting the Indian Army in preparation for an Indo-Reptilian invasion. I know it's unnecessary to remind readers about Indian President Pratibha Patil's well documented three-way chocolate covered romantic tryst with John McCain and the 4" tall Venusian Prime Minister Krav'tek M'kol on Ganymede in early 2006, so I won't.
Last week, I never would have felt safer than in a room full of ornery, socially stunted and politically active gun owners, but now whenever I hang out with my dad and his buds, I'm worried that come 2012, he's going to rip of that mask to reveal the lizard face underneath. Worse yet is my fear that he will then rip off the mask that I never knew I was wearing to reveal an unattractive Jupiterian scowl.
Rest assured, gentle reader, that hours and hours of scrubbing my face with steel wool have done nothing to erode my doughy (and incredibly human) likeness. I feel the need to warn you, however, that my fellow reporters here at LWW refuse to submit to such a test and are almost certainly Olms, Reptiles, Jupiterians and/or Vitrioleuses.
These Asiatic Peninsula/Gas Giant/our own backyard goings on should serve as a reminder to us all of the importance of homemade potato cannons in the future fight for freedom.
Semper Wingnutus, friends in the dark, Semper Wingnutus.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Winger Wang Dang Brain Teaser # 3--Twitter: Alien Tool of Domination or WTF?


We like to stay on top of the latest media technology here at the Wingnut. But what the fuck is twitter? Seriously, what is it? Do the aliens control it, the quadrangle of seven, the shriners? What does it feel like to be twittered? Someone please tell us!

Friday, June 12, 2009

New Bryant Park Playground Sham Cover for High Speed Jupiterian Internet Access Hookup


Recent talks about building a new playground in Lake Worth's Bryant Park come as no surprise to we here at the LWW who are ever vigilant in monitoring the struggles between good and evil.
It is a well known fact the the prominent downtown building the Lucerne is a Jovian Shrangri-La, a Reptilian Xanadu and a general Axis of Influence that serves to magnify the will of whichever nefarious New World Onanists occupy its helm.
What is not well known, however, is that since so many Hippocretarians need guidance, there has been a recent clog in the sinister psychic data stream. To remedy this snag in their plans, the would-be overlords have decided to appropriate public funds to install a high speed fiber optic data stream right under our noses using the pretense of a conveniently located and similarly conveniently damaged storm drain that lies deep in the bowels of this beautiful Intracoastal side public park.
Will these assassins of thought once again have uninterrupted and stutter-free access to our minds?
Only time will tell, my friends, only time will tell.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

News Flash! Mad Scientist Releases Rabid Kambucha Mother Outside of Lake Worth Drive In Theaters


BEWARE! Do not go to the drive-in tonight. Mad Scientist Dr. Richard Lerner was spotted earlier today releasing a viscous kambucha shit slurping fungus near the concession stands. It has already fermented would be movie goers into a delicious somewhat sour and fizzy pile of human sludge!

Meet Your Local Wingnut Patriot Patrol # 1: Peter Tsolkas


Born in an anarchist squat on the coast of Greece, raised in the den of a she-wolf outside of Clearwater Florida, Peter is the quintessential winger. He has his bonafides, the stealth of a manatee, the looks of wood stork, the bite of a half drunk badger, and the smell of the sour end of a bald eagle.

Little known fact: He sleeps with his eyes open.

Favorite quote: When the goin gets tough, the tough get 7/11's cheese filled hotdogs. Two for two dollars. Its a bargain.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Get To Know A Local Reptilian #665: Mystical Marcy


Mystical Marcy, a local Lake Worth reptilian, eats small children and absorbs their innocence and strength in order to sell "Mystical Marcy®" inspiration to those seeking guidance. Raised by upper-middle class arms dealers from Bahrain, Marcy is skilled in electronic guidance systems, ballistic missiles and numerology. She holds direct communion with the alien overlords. Beware her forked tongue and foul smell!

Mystical Marcy is available for Bar/Bat Mitsvahs, Corporate Events, Ritualistic Sacrifices, Birthday Parties, Weddings, Water Boarding Seminars, Graduations, and Reptilian Swinger Parties.

Click Here To Get Your Permanent Lucky Numbers

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Illuminate Demagogue Matriarch Holds Ritualistic Reptilian Cabal at the Little Owl Bar in Lake Worth


Some thought it was going to be just another night of PBRs and endless Lynyrd Skynyrd tracks on the jukebox. The 40 people who showed however were shocked to find that the event was actually a fundraiser for the Illuminate. All the usual suspects showed up to push the radical New World Order agenda, the shriners, the pope, and even Scripps Biotech CEO Richard Lerner was seen slipping his forked tongue into a frothy Schlitz malt beverage. "Welcome to the Lizards Den!" said the Jupiterian Matriarch that organized the event. "We ask you all to remain calm. Any sudden moves from any humans will be met with cold blooded wrath." Fortunately no deaths were reported. It appears that the One World Illusion is focusing on a green-washing campaign promoting a new image of a kinder gentler alien overlord conspiracy.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Code #371: Never Let the Monkey Steal the Peach


Wingnut Readers Unite! The Monkey Intends to Steal the Peach at Dawn. The Lazy Leema Eats the Log with Zeal! Zigwa Hoo!

Update! Nothing Is As It Seems--The Lake Worth Wingnut Secretly Controlled by the Universal Lightworkers, Massage Therapists and other Reptilians


June 2nd, 2009--Befitting our promise to bring the wing to the nuts while maintaining utmost transparency in reporting and bias a local report has uncovered a conspiracy in our own sacred space of reportage. Please read the communique below.

Dearest LWWNuts, It has come to the attention of this reporter that our media organization which promises to see beyond the smoke and mirrors of the international conspiracy of the reptilians and Cirque du Soleil, is itself a counter-intelligence division of the One World Illusion. Last night I decided that I would check out a workshop on "The Angel's Path to Destiny, Abundance, and Harmony," in the yoga studio of the Soma Center in Lake Worth. A great many people attended and there was wonderful talk of healing energy transmissions through touch and discussions on fearless love. I met the creme de la creme of life coaches, intuitive readers, reiki instructors, and cranialsacral therapists. Most seemed a little, well you know, full of shit and a tad bit overly, well, pathetic, boring and middle class, but I felt welcomed.

But being welcomed by a hoard of shit slurping hell beasts bent on universal domination and the propagation of the CIA's deadly "Bourgeois Contamo-Seed" is no welcoming anyone should ever envy. At exactly 8:30 pm, the doors to the yoga studio closed, and all the attendees took their true shape. I was surrounded by the shapeshifters. They immediately knew that I was a human, as I remained in human shape, and surrounded me. "You are not a reptilian! Lets kill him," they said.

"I am a Lake Worth Wingnut Reporter! The truth shall prevail you slimy pukes of the ruling class!" I screamed out, hoping to die with the victory of biting words in my mouth.

"Oh, the Wingnut" they said and immediately began to treat me with kindness. "We are sorry. We didn't know you were a collaborator. You do excellent work for us. The salary that we pay you is well earned."

I played up as though I understood them though at the time I did not. Upon reflection I realize that our media organization is a front. But we must not let that stop us from reporting the truth for only through truth comes the...truth.

Anyway, below is a photograph I took this morning of one of the yoga instructors at the Soma Center. Beware the Reptilians! Beware the Shriners!

Monday, June 1, 2009

News Alert! Street fighting between Wingnuts and New World Order (NWO) Security Forces Breaks Out in Downtown Lake Worth; 10 Injured, 137 Dead

June 1st, 2009. You didn't think it could happen? Well those rounded up and killed today in Bryant Park didn't think it could happen either. Sure, other local media sources will say it was a mass suicide or will neglect the story all together, but not us here at the Lake Worth Wing Nut! We've got first hand accounts of the battles that erupted when one Lake Worth resident, Thomas Kindershiza, found a miniature FEMA death camp inside the Bryant Park Amphitheater. "There I was, just minding my own business and drinking a tall can of Sparks, when I noticed a reptilian looking fellow dressed in a gold cloak and wearing a NY Yankees ball cap walk into a room behind the ampitheater. When he opened the door I could hear the almost imperceptible screams of people. So I went to investigate. When I saw what was inside, it must have been fifty people slaving away at making RF ID chips under the whips of several large men, I just had to do something. So I yelled out for help and that was a bad idea. Almost immediatly a slew of NWO riot troopers on horseback appeared out of nowhere brandishing light sabers and speaking a language I couldn't understand, maybe French Canadian. They just went crazy, slashing at people who were just out enjoying the park, the intercoastal, and carbonated alcoholic energy drinks."

Another witness, Judith Barstow, had this to say: "I don't trust Thomas Kindershiza nor anything he has reported to the Wingnut. I mean, how did he get away, and what kind of name is Kindershiza. I believe he is one of the Host of 4, reared in the pleasure caves of Bavaria during Hitler's reign. You all really need to watch out."

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