Wednesday, November 4, 2009
17 Dolphins, 3 Humanoids Die in Riot Following Results of Lake Worth Election
Lake Worth wingnuts will have to wait a little longer before knowing who their next mayor/reptilian herdmaster is. None of the candidates could muster the mojo to fluff their reptilian dewlaps full enough to win the 50 percent majority necessary to carry the day.
There will be a run-off election for the two leading candidates, Rene Varela who received 39 percent of the votes and Laurence McNamara who recieved 26 percent. Rene Varela, a democrat, dolphin skinner, and shit slurping lizard is expected to win. His good looks, lying charm, and connection with demonic forces make him the trend setter. Robert McNamara, the more seasoned candidate, has recently denounced his allegiance to the reptilian overlords for an alliance with the centrist wing of the lake worth wingnut coalition. His campaign to "take a shriner by the ankles like a candalabra and bash the heads of the quadrangle of beyond-sense bankers and imperialist yoga instructors" (QBBIYI) has won him points with the social democrats, yacht captains, and voting anarchists in town.
Though the Wingnut had officially endorsed Javier Del Sol, himself a wingnut's wingnut, we are moving that endorsement to McNamara.
In the commissioner race for District 1, Scott Maxwell, the openly racist but secretly liberal candidate know for his radio show, "Connecting the Dots on Immigration," ate his opponent Ron Exline just before the polls closed at 7pm. "I didn't even know I was running for commissioner," said Exline just moments before being eaten. Maxwell blamed undocumented immigrants for the indigestion that followed. "They come here and they want to take away the rights and wealth of decent lizard folk. They don't have dewlaps, their skin doesn't change to reflect their surroundings, and their tongues are not even forked. God damnit this is America. Long live Mary Golacthar Lindsey and the Five Stages of White Middle Class Appropriation of Eastern Mysticism."
In the race for District 2, Jo-Ann Golden defeated opponent Wes Blackman. Upon learning of her landslide victory, Jo-Ann burned down Lake Worth City Hall. When asked why, the commissioner simply stated, "fuck the disempowering nature of representation, hierarchy and the bourgeois hobby of electoral politics."
Sometime around 10 pm, a truck load of 17 dolphins was delivered to the after-election party of Rene Varela. "They were dumped into the swimming pool at our house. Rene was so excited, he pulled out a bucket of fish and had the dolphins do tricks, you know, back flips and funny noises and shit," said his wife, "and then, in honor of his victory, Rene ritually slaughtered each one with his bare hands. It took him several minutes to kill just one. He doesn't have much upper body strength and so he was clawing a biting and pinching them with little effect. I keep telling him to use the bowflex in our den."
On the other side of town, brave wingnuts and radical supporters of mayoral candidate Javier Del Sol engaged in a pitched battle with reptilian shit slurping police officers. Though they held their ground for several hours, three wingnuts, Audrey Locker, Christian Minaya, and Echo, were killed by jellied gas dropped by the Palm Beach County Sheriff's anti-wingnut interceptor-copter. They will be remembered.