Rare Half-hippy Half-clown Primate Found Nesting in Tree in Palm Beach Gardens, FL

In 1780, Carl Linnaeus, often called the father of taxonomy, recorded the existence of a very rare half-hippy, half-clown, primate, hippicus clownicus. The creature captured in photos by two Audubon birdwatchers this Friday appears to be a sub-species known as Ana Rodriguez.

"We approached the creature very cautiously," said Mary Lewards, an avid bird watcher, "we just didn't know what it was. When we got close, just below the tree, it started yelling, crying, honking its nose and spitting. Then it started smoking pot."

And that's when Mary's husband, Tom Lewards knew what they had come across.

"I couldn't believe it. All the traits of the hippicus clownicus were there. It had a white face and a read nose, furry legs, mixed-matched socks, an earth first! patch, and it was in a tree shouting something about the social-ills caused by air conditioning and what we'll be leaving to future generations."

Scientists from the nearby Scripps Research Institute have requested that the creature be captured and brought to their "very well equipped biotech lair."

"We'll gently prod this thing, put 3000 volts of electricity into its toes, and probably liquify part of its brain with a fun little concoction I'll whip up. It will be a break through. Just think of the benefits to humanity when we spend all that grant money and prove, once and for all, that liquification of the brain renders the organ useless, regardless of species," said Scripps researcher Corinne Lasmezas. "After that we can feed the brain to our newest genetically engineered organism, centi-baby1000."

Crime Beat Alert: Richard Gere Type Creature Used As Blunt Instrument In Bar Fight At Brogues

LAST NIGHT:
the regular neckless hooligan frat bro-stink exuded from Brogue's Irish Pub in downtown Lake Worth was particularly acute. It wafted through the streets with a severity unmatched in recent weeks. As is the case most nights, a bar fight broke out between the preposterone induced rage of the Reptilian Dewlap Posse on one side and the quick menacing knives of the Shriners on the other. Somewhere in the midst of the brawl one of the Shriner's pulled out a small Richard Gere type creature from his stomach crevasse and beat a random passerby with it.

Mary Lindsey and Scott Maxwell broke into a local children's hospital to, in the words of Lindsey, "heckle the young and the innocent ones." Maxwell and Lindsey were arrested then released without charges.

a local anarchist threw a brick through her own home window in response to a purchase of Starbucks coffee she had made earlier in the day. The young woman was arrested and charged with conspiracy to overthrow one's own place within the system, domestic terrorism, and resisting arrest without violence. If found guilty she faces up to fifty years in federal prison.

Lake Worth Shaman Heals World Through MySpace Blog Posts

See Shaman Hawks Myspace Magic Here

A recent communique released by Shaman Hawk (reposted below) outlines the spiritual leaders message for healing and spiritual connection with the cosmos. Both the Dali Lama and Roland Emmerich, director of the film 2012, called the blog post "a message of hope wrapped in the sublime html format commonly available on Myspace."

However, some have been critical of Shaman Hawk's Myspace magic. DdawgsuckaMC72, a thirty year old humanoid and regular consumer of Myspace mysticism considers Shaman Hawk's Myspace treatises to be little more than the sad attempts of an alienated individual reaching out through the spiritually void and emotionally unnaccountable dystopia of online social networking. "I used to think Myspace was awesome, but now I see that Facebook is the way to go," DdawgsuckaMC72 said.

AngelPimplesVortex, a 19 year old college freshman and Wiccan (seeking Networking, Dating, Serious Relationships, Friends) had this to say: "The other day Hawk told me 'Lol, wtf. I mean wtf your Myspace is lame. You need to go to PimpMySpaceCodes.net.' And when I went to that site there was just a bunch of bullshit unicorn and army camo page layouts. Thats so fucking lame."

Here is the Illustrious Blog Post: Click here to go to the original

"This is about the hebegebe wannabe bitches that think they can go live in the mountains and pretend they have their shit together and be cool. Just because you hoes have men that are soft and compliant doesn't mean you are strong. It just means you have weak men that serve as your bitches.

I put up new material and write ups on the net that show the details of your dwellings and our work. Your homes and land made wonderful sets. Your petty
efforts only spawn our creativity in editing.

Lick me.----"

Shaman Hawks insightful depiction of "hebegebe wannabe bitches" gets to the source of the sadness inherent in modern civilization: the lack of authenticity in the western psyche and the need to channel our efforts, not face to face, but through blog posts as the central means by which to reconnect with the Life Spirit© and MyCommunity®.

Please contact Shaman Hawk for a tarot card reading, or a myspace or facebook friend request.

For more messages of inspiration visit Blueplanetshaman.com

Centrist Wing of the Coalition of Lake Worth Wingnuts (CWLWW) Flee Rising Tides of Florida For North Carolina, Get Cold, Return

In Their Own Words

Misty-Anne Feather:
"Goddammit, I was sitting right there in the Little Owl Bar when I over heard Al Gore, drunk as hell mind you, telling a damned alien that the tide was gonna rise over night and swallow Lake Worth. So I went to the compound behind the McMow Art Glass Design Studio, and told the crew we was needing to leave immediately and they was all like 'Rock and Roll motherf*cker', and we loaded the van with guns and beer and we headed to North Carolina. But once we got there is was cold goddammit so we just decided to come on back. I guess the water came through and then subsided. Sh*t"

Harry Garcia
"Misty-Anne was drunk as hell and talking to this Shriner at the bar. The Shriner told Misty, 'hey Misty, 2012 is happening a little earlier than expected, as in tonight if you get my drift. You better head to the Colorado mountains real fast with your posse. We will need wingnuts around after the reckoning.' Well, those damn shriners know what they are talking about and so we left immediatly, all of us, D-Dog, Papa Biscuit, myself, Misty, Jim, Earl, Dagnabit, and our pets and our guns. But we got lost and then D-Dog was like 'f*ck it, lets just go to North Carolina and drink some beers up in them mountains."

Pappa Biscuit
"I don't even think we actually left. I think we were all just like, 'yeah, awesome, lets get outta here after another beer,' and then I don't know, I guess we just stayed."

Alert: Wingnut Prison Break

If you are a reptilian shape shifter, a shriner, or one of the followers of the Illuminate Underground that hangs out at Harry's Banana Farm, you had better lock your doors and load your plasma guns. Noah Wilson, one of the fiercest and wingiest of wingnuts escaped from a Belle Glade correctional facility tonight. Noah is personally responsible for the death of several hundred Jupiterian shit slurpers during a blood crazed rampage back in July of this year. "I make shit slurpees outta lizard people. I'm not ashamed. I've got a black belt. I once gave an Indian Burn to Galactar 5000," said Noah Wilson following conviction. "I don't regret what I done. I'd do it again. I won't rest till the Hillary Clinton and Bon Jovi are defeated.

EDIT: We've received this exclusive photo of Mr. Wilson punching through the prison wall.

Gary Dario of Natures Way Births Alien, Sells it on Ebay

Three weeks after insemination, Gary Dario birthed a 73.8 pound baby alien in the portico to his restaurant, Natures Way Cafe. "I love this alien. I was even thinking of eating it, when its mother, Mary Lindsey mentioned that I could sell it on Ebay. She said I had been a wonderful host body but should pass the child on through means of the free market. And seeing that the food at my cafe sucks, I mean the turkey is rancid, and I can't pass a health inspection, I thought it was a great idea. So I put my only child, Golactong, up for auction. I made five grand.

Space Tacos All The Rave, But What's Inside

They say you can tell the worth of a pre-pubescent reptilian drool sniffer by the amount of space tacos he can eat before birthing a Richard Gear type creature from his forehead anus, but are these crispy intergalactic ethnic sandwiches really just a delicious snack? What lurks behind the pico de gallo, under the carne asada and within the luscious lengua? Perhaps the Cheney/Obama super spore is attempting to enter the bowels of every wingnut through these tacos. It is too early to tell, wingnut scientist are currently poking sticks at a test tacos. Stay tuned for updates.

The Lake Worth Wing Nut promises to find out. But for now, just keep on eating them!

17 Dolphins, 3 Humanoids Die in Riot Following Results of Lake Worth Election

Lake Worth wingnuts will have to wait a little longer before knowing who their next mayor/reptilian herdmaster is. None of the candidates could muster the mojo to fluff their reptilian dewlaps full enough to win the 50 percent majority necessary to carry the day.



There will be a run-off election for the two leading candidates, Rene Varela who received 39 percent of the votes and Laurence McNamara who recieved 26 percent. Rene Varela, a democrat, dolphin skinner, and shit slurping lizard is expected to win. His good looks, lying charm, and connection with demonic forces make him the trend setter. Robert McNamara, the more seasoned candidate, has recently denounced his allegiance to the reptilian overlords for an alliance with the centrist wing of the lake worth wingnut coalition. His campaign to "take a shriner by the ankles like a candalabra and bash the heads of the quadrangle of beyond-sense bankers and imperialist yoga instructors" (QBBIYI) has won him points with the social democrats, yacht captains, and voting anarchists in town.

Though the Wingnut had officially endorsed Javier Del Sol, himself a wingnut's wingnut, we are moving that endorsement to McNamara.

In the commissioner race for District 1, Scott Maxwell, the openly racist but secretly liberal candidate know for his radio show, "Connecting the Dots on Immigration," ate his opponent Ron Exline just before the polls closed at 7pm. "I didn't even know I was running for commissioner," said Exline just moments before being eaten. Maxwell blamed undocumented immigrants for the indigestion that followed. "They come here and they want to take away the rights and wealth of decent lizard folk. They don't have dewlaps, their skin doesn't change to reflect their surroundings, and their tongues are not even forked. God damnit this is America. Long live Mary Golacthar Lindsey and the Five Stages of White Middle Class Appropriation of Eastern Mysticism."

In the race for District 2, Jo-Ann Golden defeated opponent Wes Blackman. Upon learning of her landslide victory, Jo-Ann burned down Lake Worth City Hall. When asked why, the commissioner simply stated, "fuck the disempowering nature of representation, hierarchy and the bourgeois hobby of electoral politics."

Sometime around 10 pm, a truck load of 17 dolphins was delivered to the after-election party of Rene Varela. "They were dumped into the swimming pool at our house. Rene was so excited, he pulled out a bucket of fish and had the dolphins do tricks, you know, back flips and funny noises and shit," said his wife, "and then, in honor of his victory, Rene ritually slaughtered each one with his bare hands. It took him several minutes to kill just one. He doesn't have much upper body strength and so he was clawing a biting and pinching them with little effect. I keep telling him to use the bowflex in our den."

On the other side of town, brave wingnuts and radical supporters of mayoral candidate Javier Del Sol engaged in a pitched battle with reptilian shit slurping police officers. Though they held their ground for several hours, three wingnuts, Audrey Locker, Christian Minaya, and Echo, were killed by jellied gas dropped by the Palm Beach County Sheriff's anti-wingnut interceptor-copter. They will be remembered.

Scottish Rite Masonic Temple: Den of Sin or Handjob Wholesalers?

Well it's Summer Solstice again, and you know what that means... that's right! The Scottish Rite Masonic Temple, located right here in sunny Lake Worth, is having their annual BBQ/ Ritual Human and Cute Animal Sacrifice on Saturday, June 20 at 10:47 pm. Don't miss it as these middle-aged mutant mason reptiles ritually slaughter and roast dozens of schoolchildren, anarchists, and nesting sea turtles. You'll want to be there as they bathe in the blood of the innocent (and there will be a Slip and Slide)! Proceeds from the event will be donated to the Red Cross. Also this year, there will be a baby-eating contest; first prize wins a date with Tom Hanks to Flanigan's. And for all those 2012 enthusiasts out there, the summer solstice marks exactly 3 1/2 years till the apocalypse! So get all your sinning in now while you still can and stay for the dessert and orgy to follow the dinner.

The Wingnut Goes to the Big Screen to Fight Against the Green Things

"We've come a long way, but we have got to get going like the tuff do when the going gets going tuff and things are really difficult and we fight anyways."

--Director Phil "Hambone" Merrimac--



read reviews of the film here

see interviews with Director Phil Merrimac at the films opening night in Cannes here

My Hidden Camera Discovery #38: Lords of the Quadrangle Invade My Home, Molest My Radio

When I came home last night I decided to check my surveillance tapes before going to bed. Oh, the horror I felt dear friends when I witnessed the defilement of my living space by the vile and insidious Lords of the Quadrangle. I have not slept dear friends of the Wingnut for fear that they may return. Fortunately, a crew of wingnuts, upon hearing the news, have took up a 24 hour rotating watch in my front yard. Those with strong nerves may watch the surveillance video here. It is terrifying.

Wikipedia Tells All! Lake Worth Wingnuts, Our Time Approaches

Click the image above.

New Bryant Park Playground Sham Cover for High Speed Jupiterian Internet Access Hookup

Recent talks about building a new playground in Lake Worth's Bryant Park come as no surprise to we here at the LWW who are ever vigilant in monitoring the struggles between good and evil.
It is a well known fact the the prominent downtown building the Lucerne is a Jovian Shrangri-La, a Reptilian Xanadu and a general Axis of Influence that serves to magnify the will of whichever nefarious New World Onanists occupy its helm.
What is not well known, however, is that since so many Hippocretarians need guidance, there has been a recent clog in the sinister psychic data stream. To remedy this snag in their plans, the would-be overlords have decided to appropriate public funds to install a high speed fiber optic data stream right under our noses using the pretense of a conveniently located and similarly conveniently damaged storm drain that lies deep in the bowels of this beautiful Intracoastal side public park.
Will these assassins of thought once again have uninterrupted and stutter-free access to our minds?
Only time will tell, my friends, only time will tell.

Meet Your Local Wingnut Patriot Patrol # 1: Peter Tsolkas

Born in an anarchist squat on the coast of Greece, raised in the den of a she-wolf outside of Clearwater Florida, Peter is the quintessential winger. He has his bonafides, the stealth of a manatee, the looks of wood stork, the bite of a half drunk badger, and the smell of the sour end of a bald eagle.

Little known fact: He sleeps with his eyes open.

Favorite quote: When the goin gets tough, the tough get 7/11's cheese filled hotdogs. Two for two dollars. Its a bargain.

News Alert! Street fighting between Wingnuts and New World Order (NWO) Security Forces Breaks Out in Downtown Lake Worth; 10 Injured, 137 Dead

June 1st, 2009. You didn't think it could happen? Well those rounded up and killed today in Bryant Park didn't think it could happen either. Sure, other local media sources will say it was a mass suicide or will neglect the story all together, but not us here at the Lake Worth Wing Nut! We've got first hand accounts of the battles that erupted when one Lake Worth resident, Thomas Kindershiza, found a miniature FEMA death camp inside the Bryant Park Amphitheater. "There I was, just minding my own business and drinking a tall can of Sparks, when I noticed a reptilian looking fellow dressed in a gold cloak and wearing a NY Yankees ball cap walk into a room behind the ampitheater. When he opened the door I could hear the almost imperceptible screams of people. So I went to investigate. When I saw what was inside, it must have been fifty people slaving away at making RF ID chips under the whips of several large men, I just had to do something. So I yelled out for help and that was a bad idea. Almost immediatly a slew of NWO riot troopers on horseback appeared out of nowhere brandishing light sabers and speaking a language I couldn't understand, maybe French Canadian. They just went crazy, slashing at people who were just out enjoying the park, the intercoastal, and carbonated alcoholic energy drinks."

Another witness, Judith Barstow, had this to say: "I don't trust Thomas Kindershiza nor anything he has reported to the Wingnut. I mean, how did he get away, and what kind of name is Kindershiza. I believe he is one of the Host of 4, reared in the pleasure caves of Bavaria during Hitler's reign. You all really need to watch out."