Monday, June 22, 2009

Scottish Rite Masonic Temple: Den of Sin or Handjob Wholesalers?

Well it's Summer Solstice again, and you know what that means... that's right! The Scottish Rite Masonic Temple, located right here in sunny Lake Worth, is having their annual BBQ/ Ritual Human and Cute Animal Sacrifice on Saturday, June 20 at 10:47 pm. Don't miss it as these middle-aged mutant mason reptiles ritually slaughter and roast dozens of schoolchildren, anarchists, and nesting sea turtles. You'll want to be there as they bathe in the blood of the innocent (and there will be a Slip and Slide)! Proceeds from the event will be donated to the Red Cross. Also this year, there will be a baby-eating contest; first prize wins a date with Tom Hanks to Flanigan's. And for all those 2012 enthusiasts out there, the summer solstice marks exactly 3 1/2 years till the apocalypse! So get all your sinning in now while you still can and stay for the dessert and orgy to follow the dinner.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Wingnut Goes to the Big Screen to Fight Against the Green Things

"We've come a long way, but we have got to get going like the tuff do when the going gets going tuff and things are really difficult and we fight anyways."

--Director Phil "Hambone" Merrimac--

read reviews of the film here

see interviews with Director Phil Merrimac at the films opening night in Cannes here

Friday, June 19, 2009

My Hidden Camera Discovery #38: Lords of the Quadrangle Invade My Home, Molest My Radio

When I came home last night I decided to check my surveillance tapes before going to bed. Oh, the horror I felt dear friends when I witnessed the defilement of my living space by the vile and insidious Lords of the Quadrangle. I have not slept dear friends of the Wingnut for fear that they may return. Fortunately, a crew of wingnuts, upon hearing the news, have took up a 24 hour rotating watch in my front yard. Those with strong nerves may watch the surveillance video here. It is terrifying.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

NRA: Quizlings

The US citizen's healthy preoccupation with firearms has a dark side: Private citizens are outfitting the Indian Army in preparation for an Indo-Reptilian invasion. I know it's unnecessary to remind readers about Indian President Pratibha Patil's well documented three-way chocolate covered romantic tryst with John McCain and the 4" tall Venusian Prime Minister Krav'tek M'kol on Ganymede in early 2006, so I won't.
Last week, I never would have felt safer than in a room full of ornery, socially stunted and politically active gun owners, but now whenever I hang out with my dad and his buds, I'm worried that come 2012, he's going to rip of that mask to reveal the lizard face underneath. Worse yet is my fear that he will then rip off the mask that I never knew I was wearing to reveal an unattractive Jupiterian scowl.
Rest assured, gentle reader, that hours and hours of scrubbing my face with steel wool have done nothing to erode my doughy (and incredibly human) likeness. I feel the need to warn you, however, that my fellow reporters here at LWW refuse to submit to such a test and are almost certainly Olms, Reptiles, Jupiterians and/or Vitrioleuses.
These Asiatic Peninsula/Gas Giant/our own backyard goings on should serve as a reminder to us all of the importance of homemade potato cannons in the future fight for freedom.
Semper Wingnutus, friends in the dark, Semper Wingnutus.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Winger Wang Dang Brain Teaser # 3--Twitter: Alien Tool of Domination or WTF?

We like to stay on top of the latest media technology here at the Wingnut. But what the fuck is twitter? Seriously, what is it? Do the aliens control it, the quadrangle of seven, the shriners? What does it feel like to be twittered? Someone please tell us!

Friday, June 12, 2009

New Bryant Park Playground Sham Cover for High Speed Jupiterian Internet Access Hookup

Recent talks about building a new playground in Lake Worth's Bryant Park come as no surprise to we here at the LWW who are ever vigilant in monitoring the struggles between good and evil.
It is a well known fact the the prominent downtown building the Lucerne is a Jovian Shrangri-La, a Reptilian Xanadu and a general Axis of Influence that serves to magnify the will of whichever nefarious New World Onanists occupy its helm.
What is not well known, however, is that since so many Hippocretarians need guidance, there has been a recent clog in the sinister psychic data stream. To remedy this snag in their plans, the would-be overlords have decided to appropriate public funds to install a high speed fiber optic data stream right under our noses using the pretense of a conveniently located and similarly conveniently damaged storm drain that lies deep in the bowels of this beautiful Intracoastal side public park.
Will these assassins of thought once again have uninterrupted and stutter-free access to our minds?
Only time will tell, my friends, only time will tell.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

News Flash! Mad Scientist Releases Rabid Kambucha Mother Outside of Lake Worth Drive In Theaters

BEWARE! Do not go to the drive-in tonight. Mad Scientist Dr. Richard Lerner was spotted earlier today releasing a viscous kambucha shit slurping fungus near the concession stands. It has already fermented would be movie goers into a delicious somewhat sour and fizzy pile of human sludge!

Meet Your Local Wingnut Patriot Patrol # 1: Peter Tsolkas

Born in an anarchist squat on the coast of Greece, raised in the den of a she-wolf outside of Clearwater Florida, Peter is the quintessential winger. He has his bonafides, the stealth of a manatee, the looks of wood stork, the bite of a half drunk badger, and the smell of the sour end of a bald eagle.

Little known fact: He sleeps with his eyes open.

Favorite quote: When the goin gets tough, the tough get 7/11's cheese filled hotdogs. Two for two dollars. Its a bargain.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Get To Know A Local Reptilian #665: Mystical Marcy

Mystical Marcy, a local Lake Worth reptilian, eats small children and absorbs their innocence and strength in order to sell "Mystical Marcy®" inspiration to those seeking guidance. Raised by upper-middle class arms dealers from Bahrain, Marcy is skilled in electronic guidance systems, ballistic missiles and numerology. She holds direct communion with the alien overlords. Beware her forked tongue and foul smell!

Mystical Marcy is available for Bar/Bat Mitsvahs, Corporate Events, Ritualistic Sacrifices, Birthday Parties, Weddings, Water Boarding Seminars, Graduations, and Reptilian Swinger Parties.

Click Here To Get Your Permanent Lucky Numbers

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Illuminate Demagogue Matriarch Holds Ritualistic Reptilian Cabal at the Little Owl Bar in Lake Worth

Some thought it was going to be just another night of PBRs and endless Lynyrd Skynyrd tracks on the jukebox. The 40 people who showed however were shocked to find that the event was actually a fundraiser for the Illuminate. All the usual suspects showed up to push the radical New World Order agenda, the shriners, the pope, and even Scripps Biotech CEO Richard Lerner was seen slipping his forked tongue into a frothy Schlitz malt beverage. "Welcome to the Lizards Den!" said the Jupiterian Matriarch that organized the event. "We ask you all to remain calm. Any sudden moves from any humans will be met with cold blooded wrath." Fortunately no deaths were reported. It appears that the One World Illusion is focusing on a green-washing campaign promoting a new image of a kinder gentler alien overlord conspiracy.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Code #371: Never Let the Monkey Steal the Peach

Wingnut Readers Unite! The Monkey Intends to Steal the Peach at Dawn. The Lazy Leema Eats the Log with Zeal! Zigwa Hoo!

Update! Nothing Is As It Seems--The Lake Worth Wingnut Secretly Controlled by the Universal Lightworkers, Massage Therapists and other Reptilians

June 2nd, 2009--Befitting our promise to bring the wing to the nuts while maintaining utmost transparency in reporting and bias a local report has uncovered a conspiracy in our own sacred space of reportage. Please read the communique below.

Dearest LWWNuts, It has come to the attention of this reporter that our media organization which promises to see beyond the smoke and mirrors of the international conspiracy of the reptilians and Cirque du Soleil, is itself a counter-intelligence division of the One World Illusion. Last night I decided that I would check out a workshop on "The Angel's Path to Destiny, Abundance, and Harmony," in the yoga studio of the Soma Center in Lake Worth. A great many people attended and there was wonderful talk of healing energy transmissions through touch and discussions on fearless love. I met the creme de la creme of life coaches, intuitive readers, reiki instructors, and cranialsacral therapists. Most seemed a little, well you know, full of shit and a tad bit overly, well, pathetic, boring and middle class, but I felt welcomed.

But being welcomed by a hoard of shit slurping hell beasts bent on universal domination and the propagation of the CIA's deadly "Bourgeois Contamo-Seed" is no welcoming anyone should ever envy. At exactly 8:30 pm, the doors to the yoga studio closed, and all the attendees took their true shape. I was surrounded by the shapeshifters. They immediately knew that I was a human, as I remained in human shape, and surrounded me. "You are not a reptilian! Lets kill him," they said.

"I am a Lake Worth Wingnut Reporter! The truth shall prevail you slimy pukes of the ruling class!" I screamed out, hoping to die with the victory of biting words in my mouth.

"Oh, the Wingnut" they said and immediately began to treat me with kindness. "We are sorry. We didn't know you were a collaborator. You do excellent work for us. The salary that we pay you is well earned."

I played up as though I understood them though at the time I did not. Upon reflection I realize that our media organization is a front. But we must not let that stop us from reporting the truth for only through truth comes the...truth.

Anyway, below is a photograph I took this morning of one of the yoga instructors at the Soma Center. Beware the Reptilians! Beware the Shriners!

Monday, June 1, 2009

News Alert! Street fighting between Wingnuts and New World Order (NWO) Security Forces Breaks Out in Downtown Lake Worth; 10 Injured, 137 Dead

June 1st, 2009. You didn't think it could happen? Well those rounded up and killed today in Bryant Park didn't think it could happen either. Sure, other local media sources will say it was a mass suicide or will neglect the story all together, but not us here at the Lake Worth Wing Nut! We've got first hand accounts of the battles that erupted when one Lake Worth resident, Thomas Kindershiza, found a miniature FEMA death camp inside the Bryant Park Amphitheater. "There I was, just minding my own business and drinking a tall can of Sparks, when I noticed a reptilian looking fellow dressed in a gold cloak and wearing a NY Yankees ball cap walk into a room behind the ampitheater. When he opened the door I could hear the almost imperceptible screams of people. So I went to investigate. When I saw what was inside, it must have been fifty people slaving away at making RF ID chips under the whips of several large men, I just had to do something. So I yelled out for help and that was a bad idea. Almost immediatly a slew of NWO riot troopers on horseback appeared out of nowhere brandishing light sabers and speaking a language I couldn't understand, maybe French Canadian. They just went crazy, slashing at people who were just out enjoying the park, the intercoastal, and carbonated alcoholic energy drinks."

Another witness, Judith Barstow, had this to say: "I don't trust Thomas Kindershiza nor anything he has reported to the Wingnut. I mean, how did he get away, and what kind of name is Kindershiza. I believe he is one of the Host of 4, reared in the pleasure caves of Bavaria during Hitler's reign. You all really need to watch out."

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