Monday, May 2, 2011

Local Wingnut Sets Her Sights on Prince Harry

Inspired by the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton earlier this week, Reptilian Shapeshifter enthusiast Audrey Locker is attempting to marry into the British monarchy. "I have a bad habit of falling for emotionally unavailable wingnuts, and quite frankly, I'm fed up. So I've made the decision to cut out the middleman: instead of getting with people that are obsessed with conspiracy theories, I want to become part of the conspiracy itself."

She is intent upon betrothal to Prince Harry of Wales, though as of yet he has no knowledge of her existence. "I have a thing for gingers," confesses Audrey. "And he's in the House of Windsor, which I hear is a really cool collective house." Audrey, who identifies as an anarchist, doesn't seem too troubled by the fact that Harry is a monarch: "Ok, so admittedly he has to work a bit on his class privilege. And he's also in the military... yeah, I know that I shouldn't get into a relationship with the intention of changing someone, but he's really cute. And reptilian."

Audrey is currently asking for donations for her trip to London to meet the Prince, where she hopes they will do more than just drink tea. Anyone who donates more than $500 dollars will get a spot in the elite vanguard of the New New World Order, which Audrey aims to establish after she overthrows the Babylonian Brotherhood that currently controls the planet. "My master plan is to marry Prince Harry and on our wedding night, after consummating our marriage on each of Jupiter's moons, I will kill him. I will then eat his innards to gain his level 32 spiritual potency, and fashion his flesh into a suit I will wear to impersonate him." Using this disguise, she will infiltrate the Brotherhood and bring about the rev. We here at the Wingnut are rooting for her, and we certainly look forward to the dance parties that will accompany the fall of civilization.

1 comment:

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