Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Bea Arthur's Face Discovered on Pupusa, Golden Grrrl Fans Rejoice

This past Friday night, Bea Arthur's likeness was miraculously spotted on a pupusa at El Mirador Cafeteria, much to the delight of a group of wingnuts who were dining there at the time. The bean and rice pupusa was ordered by a local reptilian known as "anole" who immediately recognized the uncanny resemblance of the pupusa to the late Bea Arthur. When asked about their discovery, anole exclaimed, "This is even better than the time I found Estelle Getty's image on a baleada! I feel truly blessed." Immediately after the revelation of Bea Arthur's holy visage, people in the cafeteria began praying, lighting candles, and placing rose petals around the pupusa. A raucous party erupted across the street in the construction site of the new downtown Publix; an olive loaf was served and there was a ritual human sacrifice and naked contra dancing.

In spite of all of this jubilation, the pain of Bea Arthur's departure from this Earth plane two years ago still remains almost unbearable for most of us. Although her career spanned seven decades, Bea is best known for starring in "Golden Grrrlz", a reality show about a radical, anarcha-feminist collective house in Miami. The show portrayed Bea and the other golden grrrlz fighting against patriarchy, ageism, and the gentrification of the greater Miami area. Betty White, the only living golden grrrl left (it should be noted that she uses LapZek Natural Dewlap Enhancer to keep her youthful appearance), still misses Bea dearly. "Bea was punk as fuck, straight up," said Betty. "In the eighties, when everyone else was wearing shoulder pads, Bea didn't even need to; she was just built like that naturally. She was a hell of a womyn."

Russ McSpadden, a Bea Arthur enthusiast and president of the Lake Worth chapter of the Golden Grrrlz fanclub had this to say about the late starlet: "Bea Arthur is my idol. She was the raddest Jupiterian Shapeshifter ever and I would give my left tentacle to go on a date with her! 'The Golden Grrrlz' was so ahead of its time. It was like 'Sex and the City', only with more sex." The Golden Grrrlz fanclub meets every Sunday night at midnight in Russ's room: come dressed as your favorite golden grrrl.

Meanwhile, the secret dens of the conspiracy theorists of Lake Worth have been abuzz with speculation as to the meaning of the mysterious pupusa sighting. Some conspirators are claiming that it is just a hoax and is actually part of a larger conspiracy to build publicity for the new Publix and their exceptional olive loaf. The general consensus, however, is that the appearance of Bea Arthur's stunning and ruggedly handsome face on that fateful pupusa is an auspicious omen for wingnuts everywhere. The fact that there is a connection between the Mayan calendar and Bea Arthur is undeniable. Her image being found on a pupusa in a Guatemalan restaurant proves just that, and can mean only one thing: the second coming of Bea Arthur will coincide with the 2012 apocalypse and the end of industrial civilization! Until then, all we can do is keep eating pupusas to look for more wingy messages and await further instruction from the Lake Worth Wingnut. I'll leave you with this: Bea Arthur taking on a team of raptors!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Lake Worth: Where Ass Goes To Die?

Lake Worth has a long reputation of being a tough place to find a date and it is a well-known fact that you can't get laid in this town without a dewlap. The few poor souls that attempted using fake strap-on dewlaps at the most recent full moon solstice eclipse sex consortium were quickly found out and punished verily. After being forced to booty dance late into the night to "My Neck, My Back (Lick My Pussy and My Crack)", these unfortunates were banished by Venerable Rinpoche Marc Silverstein to the 13th Sector of Hollow Earth to spend the rest of their days watching autotuned YouTube videos.

That should be enough to prevent any self-respecting, sexually mature lightbeing from astrally projecting themself here, but there are just too damn many cute (albeit unavailable) anarchists in Lake Worth to resist its allure. In fact, droves of cute anarchists from around the country are planning on coming into town next month for the Earth First! Organizer's Conference and Winter Rendezvous to have massive consensual cuddlepuddles and talk about how tofu is bad for the environment. A word of advice: using the pickup line "Do you party?" will get you immediately expelled from the gathering. The singles scene along Fisheating Creek is promising though, and if you are reptilianly inclined, you might find a gator to sext with (but be warned that a "gator hole" is not what it sounds like).

Hedonistic out-of-towners love to spend the dark months here engaging in secret pagan orgies hosted by Donald Trump's toupee on Palm Beach Island, and those of us who live here year-round love wintertime visitors to keep our cold-blooded bodies warm on slightly chilly South Florida nights. But when the egg nog runs out and the spring equinox heralds the return of warmer weather and outdoor hippie festivals, the snowbirds go back from whence they came.

Those that choose to stay here permanently quickly find themselves in mutually satisfying, committed relationships and can no longer be seen hanging around in the Masonic Lodge's Scottish Rite Swinger's Club on 22nd Ave. Lake Worth, true to its town slogan, continues to be "Where the Tropics Play Hard to Get".

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