Friday, January 7, 2011
Lake Worth: Where Ass Goes To Die?
Lake Worth has a long reputation of being a tough place to find a date and it is a well-known fact that you can't get laid in this town without a dewlap. The few poor souls that attempted using fake strap-on dewlaps at the most recent full moon solstice eclipse sex consortium were quickly found out and punished verily. After being forced to booty dance late into the night to "My Neck, My Back (Lick My Pussy and My Crack)", these unfortunates were banished by Venerable Rinpoche Marc Silverstein to the 13th Sector of Hollow Earth to spend the rest of their days watching autotuned YouTube videos.
That should be enough to prevent any self-respecting, sexually mature lightbeing from astrally projecting themself here, but there are just too damn many cute (albeit unavailable) anarchists in Lake Worth to resist its allure. In fact, droves of cute anarchists from around the country are planning on coming into town next month for the Earth First! Organizer's Conference and Winter Rendezvous to have massive consensual cuddlepuddles and talk about how tofu is bad for the environment. A word of advice: using the pickup line "Do you party?" will get you immediately expelled from the gathering. The singles scene along Fisheating Creek is promising though, and if you are reptilianly inclined, you might find a gator to sext with (but be warned that a "gator hole" is not what it sounds like).
Hedonistic out-of-towners love to spend the dark months here engaging in secret pagan orgies hosted by Donald Trump's toupee on Palm Beach Island, and those of us who live here year-round love wintertime visitors to keep our cold-blooded bodies warm on slightly chilly South Florida nights. But when the egg nog runs out and the spring equinox heralds the return of warmer weather and outdoor hippie festivals, the snowbirds go back from whence they came.
Those that choose to stay here permanently quickly find themselves in mutually satisfying, committed relationships and can no longer be seen hanging around in the Masonic Lodge's Scottish Rite Swinger's Club on 22nd Ave. Lake Worth, true to its town slogan, continues to be "Where the Tropics Play Hard to Get".