Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Bea Arthur's Face Discovered on Pupusa, Golden Grrrl Fans Rejoice
This past Friday night, Bea Arthur's likeness was miraculously spotted on a pupusa at El Mirador Cafeteria, much to the delight of a group of wingnuts who were dining there at the time. The bean and rice pupusa was ordered by a local reptilian known as "anole" who immediately recognized the uncanny resemblance of the pupusa to the late Bea Arthur. When asked about their discovery, anole exclaimed, "This is even better than the time I found Estelle Getty's image on a baleada! I feel truly blessed." Immediately after the revelation of Bea Arthur's holy visage, people in the cafeteria began praying, lighting candles, and placing rose petals around the pupusa. A raucous party erupted across the street in the construction site of the new downtown Publix; an olive loaf was served and there was a ritual human sacrifice and naked contra dancing.
In spite of all of this jubilation, the pain of Bea Arthur's departure from this Earth plane two years ago still remains almost unbearable for most of us. Although her career spanned seven decades, Bea is best known for starring in "Golden Grrrlz", a reality show about a radical, anarcha-feminist collective house in Miami. The show portrayed Bea and the other golden grrrlz fighting against patriarchy, ageism, and the gentrification of the greater Miami area. Betty White, the only living golden grrrl left (it should be noted that she uses LapZek Natural Dewlap Enhancer to keep her youthful appearance), still misses Bea dearly. "Bea was punk as fuck, straight up," said Betty. "In the eighties, when everyone else was wearing shoulder pads, Bea didn't even need to; she was just built like that naturally. She was a hell of a womyn."
Russ McSpadden, a Bea Arthur enthusiast and president of the Lake Worth chapter of the Golden Grrrlz fanclub had this to say about the late starlet: "Bea Arthur is my idol. She was the raddest Jupiterian Shapeshifter ever and I would give my left tentacle to go on a date with her! 'The Golden Grrrlz' was so ahead of its time. It was like 'Sex and the City', only with more sex." The Golden Grrrlz fanclub meets every Sunday night at midnight in Russ's room: come dressed as your favorite golden grrrl.
Meanwhile, the secret dens of the conspiracy theorists of Lake Worth have been abuzz with speculation as to the meaning of the mysterious pupusa sighting. Some conspirators are claiming that it is just a hoax and is actually part of a larger conspiracy to build publicity for the new Publix and their exceptional olive loaf. The general consensus, however, is that the appearance of Bea Arthur's stunning and ruggedly handsome face on that fateful pupusa is an auspicious omen for wingnuts everywhere. The fact that there is a connection between the Mayan calendar and Bea Arthur is undeniable. Her image being found on a pupusa in a Guatemalan restaurant proves just that, and can mean only one thing: the second coming of Bea Arthur will coincide with the 2012 apocalypse and the end of industrial civilization! Until then, all we can do is keep eating pupusas to look for more wingy messages and await further instruction from the Lake Worth Wingnut. I'll leave you with this: Bea Arthur taking on a team of raptors!