Monday, November 30, 2009

Gary Dario of Natures Way Births Alien, Sells it on Ebay

Three weeks after insemination, Gary Dario birthed a 73.8 pound baby alien in the portico to his restaurant, Natures Way Cafe. "I love this alien. I was even thinking of eating it, when its mother, Mary Lindsey mentioned that I could sell it on Ebay. She said I had been a wonderful host body but should pass the child on through means of the free market. And seeing that the food at my cafe sucks, I mean the turkey is rancid, and I can't pass a health inspection, I thought it was a great idea. So I put my only child, Golactong, up for auction. I made five grand.

Space Tacos All The Rave, But What's Inside

They say you can tell the worth of a pre-pubescent reptilian drool sniffer by the amount of space tacos he can eat before birthing a Richard Gear type creature from his forehead anus, but are these crispy intergalactic ethnic sandwiches really just a delicious snack? What lurks behind the pico de gallo, under the carne asada and within the luscious lengua? Perhaps the Cheney/Obama super spore is attempting to enter the bowels of every wingnut through these tacos. It is too early to tell, wingnut scientist are currently poking sticks at a test tacos. Stay tuned for updates.

The Lake Worth Wing Nut promises to find out. But for now, just keep on eating them!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Palm Beach Post's "Gala of Shit Slurping Reptilian Birth Spectacles" Held in Honor of Lou Dobbs, Scott Maxwell, and Rene Varela

Today, Wingnut correspondent Thomas Kindershiza exposed an effort by Lake Worth Commissioner Scott Maxwell and Post Editors Tim Burke and Randy Schultz to replace the spineless liberals of the Post with what they call "hearty, honest, reptile birthing journalists" such as the CNN's former reptilian star Lou Dobbs and Stormfront's Don Black, who is proud to offer the Post a new, white and reptilian 'worldwide' audience. Said Don Black, "we are the master race from outter-space." The Palm Beach Post, which has over three-quarters-of-a-million daily readers in print and online each week, is also the mouth piece of the International Coalition of Bankers, Nazis, and Turd Stompers. Really.

This sudden shift in staff came upon urgent need to secure the Mayoral race for Rene Varela, who is known to come from a long line of Caribbean reptilian shape-shifting alien truck-nutz parasites. His father has donated countless flesh masks to illuminati servants in Tallahassee in hopes that his son will be welcomed with open arms upon eventual arrival. "I know Valactar will pull back my tongue and regurgitate his weeks kill directly down my throat once I win. That's what electoral politics is all about," said Varela at a press conference outside of Lake Worth City Hall last thursday.

Scott Maxwell was seen recently with Burke, Schultz, Dobbs, Varela and the whole white Black family at Nature's Way Cafe, the prefered dining choice of Nazi/Alien overlords. "Try the free-range turkey," Schultz said, noting that world domination by racist Nazi Reptiles would be fed upon the contradictions of ethical meat harvesting. The five individuals were noticed entering an underground bunker built by Henry Ford in 1933, located beneath the thriving cafe, which also has an entrance directly below the music stage of the Havana Hideout. Varela impressed his new media supporters by displaying the ability to shape-shift effortlessly between Retha Lowe and Jeff Clemens. He then detached his false mammalian testicles and ate them stating, "reptiles house their gonads within the body. That is why we are superior."

According to Kindershiza, "if Varela succeeds in making this stride towards the local New World Order, there is a plan underway to celebrate this victory of 'the enlightened' by secretly re-opening Bryant Park's popular FEMA death camp."

The camp was put out of business last month by unethical phone calls from Lake Worth's notorious violent gang of anarchist politicians.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Scott Maxwell Thanks Supporters, Mein Furor for Inspiration to Lead: Pro-Bacteria Wingnuts Riseup in Protest

By Hazeldorth Pooperstench

The swearing in and ritual bloodletting of Scott Maxwell and his intestinal reptilian brood for Lake Worth District I Overlord was disrupted Tuesday afternoon when local wingnut-patriot Ana Rodriguez rappeled down the side of city hall and assaulted Maxwell, ripping the face off his fleshsuit, revealing the slightly more hideous reptilian visage beneath.
Rodriguez was detained by the Palm Beach County Sheriff's office, but escaped from custody when her arresting officers abandoned their vehicle to pursue an ice cream cart.

She is believed to have fled, with the help of escaped trained dolphins and Assata Shakur, to Cuba, although police investigators say they have not ruled out the catacombs beneath the Soma Center, known in certain circles as the Anus of the Raw Elite, as a possible hideout.
The swearing in resumed after mayoral hopeful Rene Varela furnished Maxwell with a replacement fleshmask.

 "I always keep a spare in my back pocket," he explained.  "This sort of thing happens to me all the time."
The ritual resumed but was again disrupted when a colony of bio-luminescent cyano-bacteria from the Microbial Anti-Defamation League colonized the wall of city hall, spelling out "A city without bacteria is a city without culture" 
"Maxwell's comments indicate not only that he is a white supremacist, but a multi-cell supremacist as well." said a spokesbacillus of the Anti-Defamation League.  "He has ties to the anti-microbial hate group Johnson & Johnson, whose products he keeps in his bathroom." 
Despite all the delays, Maxwell is now the newest member of the Lake Worth City Commission.

To consummate his oath of office he drank the  blood of an ACLU lawyer and delivered this stirring message of hope for Lake Worth:  "Expedited Naturalization for Jupitarian Illegal aliens; everyone else learn English or get the God Damn out of the USA! God bless the USA, God Damn it!" For clarification, he then sucked the entrails of everyone in the crowd he believed to be un-American, namely  Jews, Communists, Gypsies, the disabled, elderly, people of color, homosexuals, and anyone in a t-shirt reading, 'Live Simply so that others may simply Live,' reducing Lake Worth's total population to 17 beings.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

17 Dolphins, 3 Humanoids Die in Riot Following Results of Lake Worth Election

Lake Worth wingnuts will have to wait a little longer before knowing who their next mayor/reptilian herdmaster is. None of the candidates could muster the mojo to fluff their reptilian dewlaps full enough to win the 50 percent majority necessary to carry the day.

There will be a run-off election for the two leading candidates, Rene Varela who received 39 percent of the votes and Laurence McNamara who recieved 26 percent. Rene Varela, a democrat, dolphin skinner, and shit slurping lizard is expected to win. His good looks, lying charm, and connection with demonic forces make him the trend setter. Robert McNamara, the more seasoned candidate, has recently denounced his allegiance to the reptilian overlords for an alliance with the centrist wing of the lake worth wingnut coalition. His campaign to "take a shriner by the ankles like a candalabra and bash the heads of the quadrangle of beyond-sense bankers and imperialist yoga instructors" (QBBIYI) has won him points with the social democrats, yacht captains, and voting anarchists in town.

Though the Wingnut had officially endorsed Javier Del Sol, himself a wingnut's wingnut, we are moving that endorsement to McNamara.

In the commissioner race for District 1, Scott Maxwell, the openly racist but secretly liberal candidate know for his radio show, "Connecting the Dots on Immigration," ate his opponent Ron Exline just before the polls closed at 7pm. "I didn't even know I was running for commissioner," said Exline just moments before being eaten. Maxwell blamed undocumented immigrants for the indigestion that followed. "They come here and they want to take away the rights and wealth of decent lizard folk. They don't have dewlaps, their skin doesn't change to reflect their surroundings, and their tongues are not even forked. God damnit this is America. Long live Mary Golacthar Lindsey and the Five Stages of White Middle Class Appropriation of Eastern Mysticism."

In the race for District 2, Jo-Ann Golden defeated opponent Wes Blackman. Upon learning of her landslide victory, Jo-Ann burned down Lake Worth City Hall. When asked why, the commissioner simply stated, "fuck the disempowering nature of representation, hierarchy and the bourgeois hobby of electoral politics."

Sometime around 10 pm, a truck load of 17 dolphins was delivered to the after-election party of Rene Varela. "They were dumped into the swimming pool at our house. Rene was so excited, he pulled out a bucket of fish and had the dolphins do tricks, you know, back flips and funny noises and shit," said his wife, "and then, in honor of his victory, Rene ritually slaughtered each one with his bare hands. It took him several minutes to kill just one. He doesn't have much upper body strength and so he was clawing a biting and pinching them with little effect. I keep telling him to use the bowflex in our den."

On the other side of town, brave wingnuts and radical supporters of mayoral candidate Javier Del Sol engaged in a pitched battle with reptilian shit slurping police officers. Though they held their ground for several hours, three wingnuts, Audrey Locker, Christian Minaya, and Echo, were killed by jellied gas dropped by the Palm Beach County Sheriff's anti-wingnut interceptor-copter. They will be remembered.

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